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Quick Update!

Been super busy with finals. Have voice recital tomorrow. Is trying not to panic. Couldn't find dress that fit my boobs. Found dress that fit perfectly in the most unlikely of places. Managed to get decent classes for Spring semester. Cannot form complete sentences. Will be back to report soon-ish.


Blah, blah, blah...I know I suck. I swear I'll reply to e-mails tomorrow. Right now, I'm fraking exhausted. I haven't eaten in approximately 9 hours. I spoke to my voice professor today and it just became really clear how impossible this is. I have no experience. I have no money, no support from my parents. I need to take general education courses, music theory courses, piano, singing, ballet, acting, etc. AND I have to get over my paralyzing stage fright. I sooo feel like giving up...but I can't. Giving up on this is like giving up on life. There's nothing else I want to do. Sure, I like other things, but this is most definitely what I want to do with my life.

Just once, I wish I could be negative and pessimistic. I wish I could say "Stop being an idiot and do something else. You're never going to make it. You're never even gonna get into a Uni." But...that damned optimistic in me keeps me from doing that.

Oh, and my voice professor switched my songs. I was going to sing On My Own and she switched my to I'll Know from Guys and Dolls. I'm actually kind of excited about that. I'll Know is supposed to be sung by a legit soprano. As far as I know, I'm a Mezzo. But...it makes me happy she's assigned me this song. I just need to get over my nerves because there's no way I'll be able to sing this song if I'm panicking.

So...that's it.
Er - yeah...I'll reply to all my messages by tomorrow. I hope. But I have an actual excuse as to why I've been away. I, slacker-extraordinaire, am now dedicating myself to school. Yep, that's right. I'm reading, researching, writing, studying...all that jazz.

Also, I made an interesting discovery today. I was so impressed that I'm actually taking the time to type this out. So, I'm usually quiet and shy. Not angry or sad or anything....just quiet. When I'm nervous, though, I turn into this uncontrollable ball of energy. I thought I was performing today and was so freaked out and nervous (I was almost in tears on the bus to campus) that I sat down and started talking to some guys from my class. More people arrived. I talked and talked and smiled and laughed...and people smiled back. I think about four people asked me for my number. It was nice. I mean, I'm not going to chat on the phone or text because, frankly, the thought of it makes my head hurt. But still. I have people to talk to in class. It's nice. I also chatted with this other girl in my ballet class. Speaking of ballet, there's this girl who - I kid you not - wears a low cut top and a push-up bra to class. Umm...it's ballet. Why are you in a push-up bra? Duuuude, I do everything in my power to make my boobs look as small (and unbouncy) as possible and you're trying to make them bigger!?!?!? Sigh.


Oh, and I think I actually have a shot at passing English. I know...I'm amazed, too.

Singing is improving.

Umm...that's about it. Bye!!!

P.S. I really will reply to my messages asap.

Zombie Satirist

I'm hungry.

I'm exhausted....the insomnia is killing me.

I want to go figure skating. There is no greater feeling that flying across the ice.

I'm falling even futher behind in my classes.

I'm hungry.

Oh, by the bye, is anyone watching the Grand Prix of Figure Skating? I'm so excited the season has begun!! Plus, the Lakers won yesterday.

Seriously, the lack of sleep is driving me insane.
And now I'm going to watch Criminal Minds. No, wait. Food then Criminal Minds.

Oh, the Woes of Being a Slacker!

Paper to finish...
Art History mid-term to study for...
Song to rehearse...
Book to read...

...And yet, all I want to do is re-read Les Miz fanfiction. Lovely. Oh, I feel a headache coming on. See, slacker tendecies - not a good thing. I slacked my way through high school and I'm afraid I'm starting to do the same in college. Baaaaad, Satirist, bad. Oh, fine. I'm off to study/write a paper/sing that insufferable song/read that book. Night, all!

mindless rambling about my day

Today, I was singing "In My Life" and I was extremely pleased because I sang it well. Okay, maybe not well, but better than usual. I'd never sang the F in "There are times when I catch in the siiiiilence..." properly but I did today!!! I'm very, very pleased.

Er - the rest of the day kind of sucked. My head was hurting for a loooong time. I finally made it to class (early because I can't stand being late) and guess what? The professor (who has a tendency to be late) was over 20 minutes late to class and then...then he talked for about fifteen minutes and then let us go. What?! It's the last class before our mid-term and that's it!?!?!? I travelled an hour and a half for a fifteen-minute lecture? And then I have to go all the way back home!?

And here's the strangest part: I'm still in a really good mood. I don't know why, but I'm usually in a good mood. Cheerful even with a headache. I wasn't like that before. Weird.

Anywho, that's it. Nothing else to say.

I've Come Home From so Far...

I'm home, I'm finally home!!!!!!!!! Sure, I'm cold and hungry, but I'm home!! Both buses took a ridiculously long time to pass and I was left out in the rain for a loooong time. And then when I got on the second bus, there were no empty seats. What!?!? But I board the bus on it's second stop!! Grrr. Oh, well. The driver was nice. He let us all ride for free.

So, yeah... Parents are yelling, have Astronomy mid-term in one week...and yet, I'm in a good mood. It's strange. Hmm...I've been listening non-stop to Les Miz recordings, Jane Eyre OBC and Dracula OLC. Maybe that's why I'm happy.

So, yeah....random ramblings over.

Must resist urge to panic!

So, I know I never post on here, but I am having a very hard time trying to remain calm. So...here we go:

I'm performing tomorrow and I'm already starting to get nervous. This is very, very bad. I can't be nervous tomorrow 'cause then my voice will start to shake and...oh, fuck. Breathe. Damn, I really wish I were singing something from Les Miz....or at least a song I'm more comfortable with. I know it's silly and that I'm only singing for my class, but still. I have like no singing experience.

Must. Stop. Freaking. Out.

*runs off to bang head against wall*

Hope Springs Eternal in the Human Breast

Title: Hope Springs Eternal in the Human Breast
Characters: Enjolras, Grantaire
Pairing: None
Rating: PG
Warnings: Alcohol Use
Notes: Also posted on my FF account and at the Abaissé forums, both under the name Satirist.

There were times when he wanted to believe, when for the briefest moments, a warm wave of hope would flood his being and make him believe the words he so often scoffed at. It was in those precious moments when he would shakily stand up and attempt to inform his friends that he had converted, that he was a believer, that he would fight along their side to the very end!

He only ever got as far as opening his mouth. The alcohol that was so often present in his system would make the world lurch violently and he would quite suddenly find himself on the floor, the dull throbbing ache in his head informing him that he had had a few too many drinks.

As the effect of the alcohol dwindled, so did his hope. Wearily, he would pull himself to his feet and frantically search the room for the man he admired so deeply.


Even when those rare moments faded away, his faith in Enjolras would remain. It was, after all, impossible not to believe in him; a man so devout in his faith in the republic, so eloquent and convincing, so devastatingly handsome that he could rally any number of people to his side. Even cynical drunkards who believed in nothing at all.

Said drunkard finally spotted the mass of bright hair and ambled unsteadily to him. Enjolras did not look up for a long time. When he finally did, his eyes were steady and betrayed no emotion. 

"Is there something you needed?" he asked, his tone carefully patient. Grantaire looked around, unsure of what he wanted to say. His head still throbbed from where he had hit his head and his stomach was threatening to rid itself of the poison he had consumed.

"I - I just wanted," he broke off and awkwardly sat down on a rickety wooden chair.

"If you have something to say, say it quickly. I have a great deal of work to do," said Enjolras with a brisk wave of his hand, indicating the substantial pile of books on the table.

Grantaire took a deep breath to steady his swirling mind and instantly regretted it. Feeling that he was about to be sick in front of the man he likened to a god, he quickly reached up and grasped Enjolras' shoulder. "I believe in you," he said, his words slightly slurred.

Grantaire waited in anticipation, unsure if Enjolras would choose to scold or ignore him. Enjolras' face remained impassive. After all, it wasn't the first time the drunken man had expressed the sentiment. Why would this time be any different?

"Go home, Grantaire. Get some rest," he finally said, his tone detached. Grantaire nodded and stumbled his way out of the café, feeling happier than he'd felt in a long time. Enjolras had addressed him by his name, not 'drunkard' or 'winecask,' but Grantaire. It was a momentous occassion!

The young man stopped suddenly in the middle of the street and looked back towards the café. His faith in the republic might leave much to be desired but the hope he felt when he heard Enjolras speak could never be extinguished. It didn't matter that he never expressed it to anyone nor did it matter that he constantly hid his uncertainty with cynicism. He would always, always have faith in Enjolras. Besides, even cynics feel hope sometimes.